Trust

Trip had an appointment today to get his ears checked. The doctor said they look great… for Trip. They are in no way perfect, but he said from where we started they look great. That made us both so happy we had a dance party in the car on the way home! It gives me hope going into getting his scans since it should be a sign the disease isn’t affecting his ears right now.

Getting scans at Children’s is never easy – emotionally, physically and logistically. I’m sure most of you have read or heard my rants about giving him back to back scans instead of scheduling them both on the same day. After moving his PET scan once, we were expecting to have it tomorrow downtown and his MRI on Friday at Legacy. The hospital called today and said the scanner is down, so the PET will be pushed to sometime next week. We should still proceed with the MRI on Friday since Legacy seems to have their ducks in a row. At least he won’t have to have anesthesia two days in a row.

I’m enjoying this time off from chemo, but there is a voice in the back of my head that keeps chattering. Scans bring up hope, fear and every emotion in between. I want to know where we stand and of course I want good news, but there is that self-protection thing going on where I tell myself not to get my hopes up too high. Also, really good news will mean we go to a maintenance phase. I want that for Trip, for all of us, but last year the “maintenance phase” sucked us into hell with the news that the disease had spread. I’m a little worried about getting off chemo even though that’s what I want. It’s confusing and scary.

What I have to do right now is trust… trust the doctors know what they are doing, trust that putting the PET scan off a week and delaying the next treatment further isn’t a big deal, trust my own eyes and intuition to know that Trip feels good, trust that the universe is working for us to heal Trip. Trust can be hard for me. It means letting go and reminding myself that control is an illusion. Right now, in this moment, I will trust.