Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Trust

Colson and I were fortunate enough to be able to go on a cruise last week. Colson had some rough times last year with his business, but he worked hard and the cruise was a reward from his awesome vendor, ABC. Luckily, we have a rather large group of friends in the roofing industry who also made the trip. It was an 8-day cruise. I didn’t have it in me to leave for the full 8 days, so I met them at a halfway point. I had quite a bit of anxiety about leaving Trip given the amount of times we’ve been to the ER, but Gaky and Pops took such good care of him.

Trip was a trooper and didn’t end up in the ER until we got back on Saturday night… not kidding. If he had to go, I’m very thankful I could be with him and not stuck in the middle of the ocean. Gaky called to let us know Trip had fever when we were waiting for our flight home in Ft. Lauderdale. Colson said I bounced my leg the entire flight home. (I never said I don’t have any nervous ticks.) The verdict is the flu. Even with the flu shot, he still got it. If he has to have the flu, I’ll take this form every time. They gave him the regular “just in case” doses of rocephin and steroids and also started him on Tamiflu. He only had fever on Saturday and a cough is the only thing bothering him now. This isn’t the flu I’m familiar with but I’ll take it.

Trip had a regular clinic visit on Monday prior to starting chemo again this weekend. I felt better that Dr. Appel saw him after his flu diagnosis. She agreed that he looks great for someone with the flu. We will start chemo as scheduled on Friday as long as he doesn’t get fever before then.

During the visit, Dr. Appel shook things up a bit. She said this is supposed to be Trip’s LAST chemo treatment. This is week 52 of methotrexate and should be his LAST. (Everyone reading that like I’m typing it??? LAST L.A.S.T. LASTy McLASTerson chemo!!??!) I don’t want to get my hopes up but the fact that we are even at this point is so surreal. Before a final decision is made, he will have another round of scans to be sure there isn’t any active disease. There was talk at one point of keeping him on maintenance chemo since they are learning a longer maintenance phase lessens the chance of recurrence. I will ask to discuss that again before any final decision is made.

Trip has asked about getting his port taken out for so long. I hope it happens for him sooner rather than later. No port means no more ER visits when he gets a fever. No port means Trip will feel more “normal” than he does now when comparing himself to other kids. He still thinks getting a port out is a rite of passage and maybe that will coincide nicely with his 5th birthday.

I’ve thought a lot about trust lately. Even if I don’t always realize it, trust is something I easily have to give away on a daily basis. We all do. We have to trust the driver in the lane next to us will stay in his lane. We have to trust the pharmacist to put the right pills in our prescription bottles. We have to trust our families/friends to care for and protect us and those we love. We have to trust the airlines are going to land where they are supposed to land. We have to trust the captain of the ship won’t hit any icebergs. (OK, it was a Caribbean cruise… I digress.) Without trust, life would be boring. Relationships would be hindered. Business deals wouldn’t happen. Adventure would be rare. Trust is hard for me when it comes to Trip. I remind myself how much trusting I have done this far and how much more I have to do as a parent. I choose to trust that Trip will thrive in this life, that he will learn how to manage his disease and he will still have unlimited amounts of joy. I hope I do my best to teach him to trust others and teach him to be trustworthy himself. I hope I live that daily so he will see how important but how freeing trusting can be.